No, not at you, Bristol Palin. Jesus loves you and your soon-to-be bundle of joy. Jesus understands that we all make mistakes. As penance for pre-martital sexual intercourse, however, Jesus has decided to punish you with a redneck teenage douchebag for a husband. Jesus doesn't want to hear any complaints out of you, missy! But congratulations on making the right "choice."
Jesus speaks in the third person, just like Suede. He says some crazy shit, too:
We need to think like Jesus thinks. We are in a time and a season of war, and we need to think like that. We need to develop that instinct. We need to develop as believers the instinct that we are at war, and that war is contending for your faith. … Jesus called us to die. You’re worried about getting hurt? He’s called us to die. Listen, you know we can’t even follow him unless you are willing to give up your life. … I believe that Jesus himself operated from that position of war mode.
What's that, Minister Crazypants? Jesus in war mode? Awesome. You wouldn't happen to be Sarah Palin's longtime pastor in Wasilla, would you? Really? Great, if you could just speak a little louder into the microphone:
I hate criticisms towards the President, because it's like criticisms towards the pastor -- it's almost like, it's not going to get you anywhere, you know, except for hell. That's what it'll get you."
Perfect, thank you. Now, could you be black? I hate to impose, but I'd like this story to get national attention. Just a little blacker, please.
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