Ha! (posted at The American Prospect)

Jesus is angry

No, not at you, Bristol Palin. Jesus loves you and your soon-to-be bundle of joy.  Jesus understands that we all make mistakes. As penance for pre-martital sexual intercourse, however, Jesus has decided to punish you with a redneck teenage douchebag for a husband. Jesus doesn't want to hear any complaints out of you, missy! But congratulations on making the right "choice."

Jesus speaks in the third person, just like Suede. He says some crazy shit, too: 

We need to think like Jesus thinks. We are in a time and a season of war, and we need to think like that. We need to develop that instinct. We need to develop as believers the instinct that we are at war, and that war is contending for your faith. … Jesus called us to die. You’re worried about getting hurt? He’s called us to die. Listen, you know we can’t even follow him unless you are willing to give up your life. … I believe that Jesus himself operated from that position of war mode. 

What's that, Minister Crazypants? Jesus in war mode? Awesome. You wouldn't happen to be Sarah Palin's longtime pastor in Wasilla, would you? Really? Great, if you could just speak a little louder into the microphone:

I hate criticisms towards the President, because it's like criticisms towards the pastor -- it's almost like, it's not going to get you anywhere, you know, except for hell. That's what it'll get you."

Perfect, thank you. Now, could you be black? I hate to impose, but I'd like this story to get national attention. Just a little blacker, please. 

Teen Pregnancy: the new little black dress

We've all heard the news that Bristol Palin, the 17-year old daughter of the (shudder) Republican candidate for VP, is with child. Clearly, the Alaskan uterus is hardy and robust (probably hunts moose, too) and even the strongest evangelical upbringing is powerless to stop it in its quest to spawn. 

Senator Obama and many fellow liberal elites have taken a strong stance against going after Sarah Palin's children, in particular the new Mommy-to-be.  It would be cruel and pointless for the Elitist to mock Bristol or her parents for this particular episode. After all, it's not like this doesn't happen every day. Teenagers have sex and get pregnant. And I'm sure Govenor Palin and her family appreciate that we live in the kind of free society where every young woman has the opportunity to choose whether to terminate the pregnancy or...maybe not so much?

The Elitist would just like to leave you this out-of-context quote found on a comment board at a Focus on the Family blog.

When it comes to teen pregnancy, if they show all the negative downers, more people will want abortions. If they show the cute beautiful babies, fewer abortions may happen, but perhaps more teens will be less paranoid about unwed pregnancy, and less careful about their sins.

Make it look good, ladies. Teen Pregnancy is the new little black dress.