Ha! (posted at The American Prospect)

Jesus is angry

No, not at you, Bristol Palin. Jesus loves you and your soon-to-be bundle of joy.  Jesus understands that we all make mistakes. As penance for pre-martital sexual intercourse, however, Jesus has decided to punish you with a redneck teenage douchebag for a husband. Jesus doesn't want to hear any complaints out of you, missy! But congratulations on making the right "choice."

Jesus speaks in the third person, just like Suede. He says some crazy shit, too: 

We need to think like Jesus thinks. We are in a time and a season of war, and we need to think like that. We need to develop that instinct. We need to develop as believers the instinct that we are at war, and that war is contending for your faith. … Jesus called us to die. You’re worried about getting hurt? He’s called us to die. Listen, you know we can’t even follow him unless you are willing to give up your life. … I believe that Jesus himself operated from that position of war mode. 

What's that, Minister Crazypants? Jesus in war mode? Awesome. You wouldn't happen to be Sarah Palin's longtime pastor in Wasilla, would you? Really? Great, if you could just speak a little louder into the microphone:

I hate criticisms towards the President, because it's like criticisms towards the pastor -- it's almost like, it's not going to get you anywhere, you know, except for hell. That's what it'll get you."

Perfect, thank you. Now, could you be black? I hate to impose, but I'd like this story to get national attention. Just a little blacker, please. 

Teen Pregnancy: the new little black dress

We've all heard the news that Bristol Palin, the 17-year old daughter of the (shudder) Republican candidate for VP, is with child. Clearly, the Alaskan uterus is hardy and robust (probably hunts moose, too) and even the strongest evangelical upbringing is powerless to stop it in its quest to spawn. 

Senator Obama and many fellow liberal elites have taken a strong stance against going after Sarah Palin's children, in particular the new Mommy-to-be.  It would be cruel and pointless for the Elitist to mock Bristol or her parents for this particular episode. After all, it's not like this doesn't happen every day. Teenagers have sex and get pregnant. And I'm sure Govenor Palin and her family appreciate that we live in the kind of free society where every young woman has the opportunity to choose whether to terminate the pregnancy or...maybe not so much?

The Elitist would just like to leave you this out-of-context quote found on a comment board at a Focus on the Family blog.

When it comes to teen pregnancy, if they show all the negative downers, more people will want abortions. If they show the cute beautiful babies, fewer abortions may happen, but perhaps more teens will be less paranoid about unwed pregnancy, and less careful about their sins.

Make it look good, ladies. Teen Pregnancy is the new little black dress.

The rant that started it all

Slightly edited from the original (cross posted at Miss Caitlin)

Allow me to be blunt: Sarah Palin's similarities to Hillary Clinton start somewhere below their necks and cut off just above their knees. 

Last week, the DNC convention ended with a spectacular finish and a truly unified Democratic party. I'm not just talking about the magnificent speech, but the final conclusion of the primary business, and the end of the Clinton/Obama drama. The party has its nominee, and he has the full support of every single one of his primary opponents. 

Barack Obama won this nomination, but Hillary Clinton lost absolutely nothing this week - in fact, she was better than ever, reminding us that she didn't need to be President to remain a powerful and inspiring voice for women- women who can now allow themselves to support a historical, all male Democratic ticket. Right? We're over it, and we're proud to be over it. Suck on that, media narrative!

Wait, what's that? John McCain has an announcement? He picked a lady running mate?? How enlightened of him! And shrewd- now he can finally cement the coveted PUMA bloc. Congratulations to John McCain on picking up an extra hundred votes or so. 

This maverick choice shows that, unlike that arrogant sexist Obama, John McCain believes that we are ready for a female President. But more than that! He believes we're ready for ANY female President! Wow. How magnanimous. How very forward-thinking. Bravo. 

Who cares about her enthusiasm for oil drilling in the Alaskan Wilderness? Or about her positions on science and evolution (not so much)? And who cares about her hard-core anti-choice abortion stance that makes no exception for rape or incest? Sure, it's sounds anti-feminist, but it's probably just the PMS talking. Am I right, ladies? Cramps are the worst! Finally, a candidate who feels my pain - where it hurts the most.

I should be careful with my sarcastic derision of Sarah Palin, I know. Just like Joe Biden should be very careful not to destroy her in a debate, because that would make him a big bad bully. When we speak of our Republican opponents, we Democrats should praise "Governor Palin's courageous female-ness" along with "Senator McCain's heroic service to this country."  I know we should take a page from Barack's playbook, and refrain from personal attacks. 

I know that. But you know what? I really feel like making some personal attacks right now. Maybe just this once, before I start my period, and the cramps cause me to identify with her too much.

Sarah Palin is not SMART enough to be Vice-President. She is not EDUCATED enough to be Vice-President. She is not EXPERIENCED enough to be Vice-President. She has in no way WORKED HARD enough to be Vice-President. She is in NO WAY QUALIFIED to lead this country as President, in the likely event that her spry 73 year old running mate were to leave the job in her hands.

And if you really believe that the exact same things could be said, with validity, about Barack Obama, you are an idiot. How's that for a personal attack?

She has a BA in journalism and no higher education. She was the mayor of a town with the population of my neighborhood. For only two years she's been the Governor of fewer people than live in my district. She's the least qualified of any presidential or vice presidential candidate in modern political history. 

Feminism means that we don't have to choose between work and family - even if work is running for vice-president and family includes a 4-month old with Down's Syndrome. But we're expected to believe that she can do it all, and manage to look good doing it! Women can do anything we put our minds to - we're just so magical.

Ladies, John McCain believes that you are stupid enough to vote for him, just for the warm fuzzy feeling of voting for a woman. He thinks you will ignore his recurrent displays of contempt towards women. He expects you to validate this decision, in the name of sisterhood. He has shown the depths of his contempt for women by appointing one of the least impressive among us to be his running mate.

In other words: John McCain just called you a cunt.

Finally, a blog for the best of us.

Welcome to the Elite-est Elitist! The blog for people who are smarter and better than you. No, not YOU. The loser sitting behind you. Don't turn arou-- godammit. 

This election season, we've heard the word "elitist" bandied around quite a bit, particularly in reference to this blog's preferred candidate. Well, I resent that kind of talk. I'm sick of the anti-meritocracy. I want to see intellectuals with bright, open minds leading the way. I think arugula is delicious. I have a deep appreciation for the elite and the hyperbolic. Thus: The Elite-est Elitist. 

I'll be using this blog to point out and deride examples of anti-intellectualism, and to celebrate the triumphs of the better over the worse. Who the hell do I think I am to judge best and worst? Shut up, that's who I am.

I welcome my fellow elitists to share their clearly superior opinions on this blog. If you'd like to post an entry, send me a message. Before you do, some limits on freedom of expression are in order. A sampling of no-nos:

• use of the terms McSame, McBush, or other similarly tired pun insults (pun-sults)
• un-ironic allusions to snake oil, kool-aid, hot air, groupies, etc. 
• Violations of Godwin's Law
• racism, sexism, homophobia, threats of violence, cruelty, or meanspirited-ness. Unless it's funny and pertinent, in which case, go to town.
• shitting on Hope (and lay off the Dreams, too) out of cynicism or hipster douchebaggery.
• Ron Paul

Why all the restrictions? What are you, some kind of fascist?! Hey, this internet's got plenty of tubes for all of us - there are hundreds of websites to post your wacky, fringe ideas (McCain/Palin '08? These kids today are crazy!), and accusations of fascism clearly fall into the no-no category. Suck on that, hypothetical reactionary!

Welcome. Let the elitism begin!